I hate, loath, abhor - insert word of choice - my birthday. Why? It's on Christmas Day first of all. Also, I am turning 35 this year which sucks donkey ass sideways.
I feel old, alone and pathetic. This year is worst than most because just a year ago, I was alone, but not lonely. Now I have realized that I wasted almost an entire year on letting people hurt and betray me. You would think that after all of the negativity in my life, I would have the courage to stand up for myself and make things happen, but clearly I have not been able to do that.
I really only have myself to blame for a lot of the misery in my life. Because I have a tendency to give the people I love a million chances to prove themselves. Instead of taking that opportunity to treat me the way I treat them, it always seems to turn out that they take advantage of me to the point where I either have to cut them loose, or they will destroy what is left of my heart.
And I am not just talking about one person here. I have let go of friends, family and loved ones in the last week. There are people out there whose actions have caused me so much pain that I literally cry every single day because of them and I can't tolerate that anymore in my life.
I refuse to make room in my life and heart for people who don't give me the same in return. I am sick and tired of settling for scraps from people when I give them so much more than I get in return. I am not a greedy person. All I need is to know that I matter and I am loved and important to those that I feel that way about and this year, I have just gotten kicked in the teeth by those people instead of having them lift me up and support me the way I have done for them.
Words are easy. Telling someone that you care is a beautiful lie. Showing someone how much you mean to them is where the truth is. If someone tells you how much they love you and then continues to hurt you, betray your trust and SHOWS you how very little you matter to them, then it's time for them to no longer have a place in your life.
As difficult as it is for me to let go of people that I truly and honestly love from the bottom of my heart, for my own sanity I have to let them go. Because all I get from them is hurt and heartache.
So I will spend my birthday alone this year. I will genuflect on the mistakes that I have made and hope and pray that the new year brings me peace, true love and happiness. I know that inside I am a good and caring person. I will go out of my way to make the people around me feel loved and that's all I ask for in return. If you are not giving that to me, then you can bounce.
I just hope that my heart is open enough to accept what comes my way.....
Love and Happiness to All.