Monday, August 6, 2012

Not Gonna Break Me

I know I haven't written in a while, but that's because I have been hit time after time in the last week with some of the most horrible things that I have ever had to experience.  And I am saying this right now - IT WILL NOT BREAK ME!!!!

I found out that my exes went for emergency custody of my children while I was out of town and didn't tell me until the day before I was to return.  All of this is complete and utter nonsense because I am a great mother.  I love my children.  They are my life and my heart and soul and the very reason why I am who I am today.  I think that to take advantage of my illness like this is below the bottom of the barrel and since then I have had to retain an attorney for both cases.  Even  more ridiculous is the fact that this could have all been settled without lawyers, since I have proof that everything that happened to me was caused by my medication and that it is straightened out now. 

When I went away, it was the right thing for me to do and I was even encouraged to go by their fathers.  I needed time and after getting out of the hospital it seemed like the best decision I could make, especially since I have worked with both of them in the past on rearranging schedules on both sides to accommodate vacations and time out of town.  So now I feel like they waited until I couldn't do anything about the situation and then they struck.  But that's OK, because I am confident that I will prevail and that as much as this is hurting not only me, but even more so, my children, we will be reunited soon.  It just can't come soon enough for me or for them.  Especially since my son tells me every day on the phone that he is sad and all he wants to do is be with me and see me and hug me and kiss me.

To make matters even worse, I had to deal with the loss of my precious Butter.  My awesome ninja cat who was the coolest animal alive.  I found out that due to the dry weather, somehow, my inside cat - who hated grass touching his feet - got fleas and when I returned, I found his body.  This too was another blow considering how much we all loved him.  I will be writing about him more later.  But needless to say, that was yet another hit.

I have also had to deal with a car that is less than a year old needing to go into the shop, finding an attorney, working, dealing with the pest problem at my condo, seeing my doctor to straighten out my medication and getting healthy.  Any of these things is enough to break someone.  Put them all together in the span of a week and even the strongest human would be hurting.  And I am hurting.  But I will be fine.  I will be better than fine, I will be me again.

I am happier and healthier and more optimistic than I have been in quite a while, even with all of the hits I have taken.  I have a positive support group and people who love me and care about me and want good things for me.  I have people all over the world praying for me and thinking of me and trying to help.  So while I am sad and upset and definitely feel blindsided with this custody issue, I am not going to give up or quit.  Especially not on the two most important people in my life. 

I have made a home for them and for me.  I have worked hard all of my life to overcome difficulties and be a strong person and I will continue to have the can-do attitude that will get me through these days as well.  The strength and support that I have been shown has been amazing.  I will not let my friends down.  I will not let my loved ones down.  Most importantly, I will not let myself or my children down.  Yes I have an illness, but it is no different that any other one.  I am better every day.  I am strong. 

Nothing can break me.

Love,
Autumn

2 comments:

Avitable said...

Nothing can break you - you are amazing and strong! Love you.

Memphis Steve said...

I had lost track. The last I heard you were tremendously upset and needed prayers, so I began praying. Now I understand. I can't even imagine having all of that happen at once. You must have the strength of a giant to get through all of that. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I will keep praying for you.