Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Hurting Heart

I miss my children.  With everything I have inside of me, I miss them.  I am upset and frustrated that to have something so horrible, a medical condition, perverted in a way that will keep my children from me is unfathomable.  What I went through was like walking through the fires of hell.  But I came out of it.  With the love and support of many friends and family and the prayers of people I don't even know, I made it through.

Now I need even more support, because I am battling for my children.  There is no reason that I can see, why we can't all work together to overcome this situation.  I can certainly understand why there was concern, because I was in the hospital and my medication was so messed up that even I didn't know what was going on at the time.  But not now.  To do this is hurting two children who love their mother and want to be with her.

I am doing everything I can do to be the best person I can be.  The amount of pain that I feel, knowing that I have to fight just to be with my two precious children is indescribable.  As a mother, I may not be perfect - who is? - but I am the best mom I can be to my kids.  I love them with every ounce of love I have inside of me.  I tell them every single day that I love them.  That I am proud of them.  That I want to be with them.

I don't write these things for other people to read as my first priority.  I write, at this point in my life, not to entertain, but as a way of expressing all of my emotions and feelings.  This is something that I know how to do and it helps me.  I am thankful that I have this ability to put down into words what is going on inside of my head and what I am feeling in my heart.

In my opinion, your heart is not just an organ that pumps blood throughout your body.  It is a place inside of your soul that frees you from the confines of the world and allows you to love and care and hurt and feel.  Right now my heart is hurting.  There are parts of me that feel guilty because of an illness that I wasn't able to control, because that is really what opened the door to a lot of the pain I am going through.  But I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and through faith and love and hope and a lot of support, I will get through this as well.

I am not a drug addict.  I am not an alcoholic.  I am not abusive to my children.  I am a mother who will fight with everything I have not only to overcome my illness, which I have had for over a decade and has never kept me from caring for my children, but to overcome these other obstacles that are keeping me from being with them right now.

I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that by taking control of the situation, I am using the intelligence and strength that I have been given to turn my heart from one that is hurting to one that is joyful.

Please keep my in your thoughts, prayers, wishes, whatever you believe in.

Love,
Autumn

3 comments:

Avitable said...

You will prevail. I know it.

metalmom said...

You are amazing. Prayers for strength....always.

Memphis Steve said...

I think many of us blog for the same reasons. We all need an outlet. Some of us have nowhere else to turn to talk about what we're going through, and even though we have no way of knowing if anyone will listen, we still need to say what is on our minds. That's the great thing about blogs. And when people do hear you and actually listen, well that helps, too.