Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people.....

Those who pee in the shower and those who don't.

Illin'

Blech, blech, blech......

I have green snot, I can't breathe and my head is stuffed up.  

I am sick, sick, sick.

However, they say that every cloud has a silver lining.  Well, assholes, I keep looking but I can't find the silver.  I would settle for aluminum at this point, but I got nuthin'.

It's very difficult to be sick with two very active children and a high-pressure career....  So I am hauling my - getting larger every day - ass to the doctor for some drugs.  Any drugs will do right now.

Amen

Laughing Out Loud

I have been one very moody bitch lately.....   Luckily I have great people in my life to pull me out of my snits.

I just thought I would share the FUNNIEST thing I have heard in a really, really, really long time.

So this week, I asked someone "What do you call Semen with no sperm in it?"  And without missing a beat, he replied "A delicious breakfast drink."

I peed a little and I'm not ashamed of it.

Amen

So Creative.....

To take a break from my regularly scheduled bitching and moaning, I would like to present one of the most creative people that I have the pleasure of having in my life.  She is brilliant and amazing and caring and loving and I have the ultimate gift of calling her mom.....

http://bluerosesewing.blogspot.com/

If you take a few minutes to check out her site and send her some love, it would be much appreciated.  Not only is she successful in the business world, but she is ridiculously creative.

We all have our own gifts, but damn so I wish I could sew.

Amen

Let Down

I have been feeling lately like the world has let me down.  I heard some disturbing news the other day about someone that I thought was a friend of mine.  Now I know that is not true.  The relationship I thought we had was more about convenience and proximity than any real kind of friendship.  And it pisses me the fuck off.  Seriously.

I see a therapist and I have been since the beginning of the year.  She has helped me tremendously.  I get these waves of guilt and frustration and anger and about a million other emotions that just wash over me when I think about the past nine years of my life.  And guess what?  It's not all my fault.  For once, I am going to try to take other peoples' advice and realize that I do not have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  

So to all those people out there who were friends of convenience?  The ones who only wanted to be around me during the good times?  Yeah.  You.  Go fuck yourselves.  I think you suck.  And I do not need people like you in my life anymore.

Amen.

A New Post

It has been months and months since I have written ANYTHING.  This used to be the place where I would let all of my emotions spill out.  The place where I felt free to say anything I wanted to say.  But for a while the words just dried up for me.  I couldn't completely explain what I was feeling inside.  Not even in my blog.

In the months of my hiatus, there has been a whirlwind of change in my life.  And I do not feel the need to elaborate on my situation or to share it with anyone.  And by anyone, I really mean the zero people that come here now.  But I am cool with that.  When I first started posting, there was not a soul who read me and I was doing it for my own benefit.  I think I need to get back to the basics.  I need to get back to the time when this place was a safe haven for me to say anything I wanted to without feeling like I was offending anyone.

So I am back.  Whether or not I still have anything in me to write has yet to be determined, but I'll be damned if I quit writing all together.  This is a form of therapy for me and I want to give it another shot.

Besides.... nobody will be reading this anyway.  I am positive that I am out of the feed readers at this point and I don't think I am half as funny as I used to be.

So this is for me.  For my sense of well-being.

And if you don't like it.... suck a bag of dicks.

Amen.

The 45

I am bored having sat in front on my 'puter for the last 5 hours and worked, so I need a mental break.  What better way than sharing way too much information about myself with the blogosphere.

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not really.  I like yellow cheese.  Or sometimes white cheese.  I also do not like cottage cheese.

2. Have you ever been drunk? Well, I was feeling really kinky this one time in the bathtub and gave him a straw to use.  Does that count?

3. Do you own a gun? Not yet.  But I will be getting one as soon as I learn how to use it.  I have to travel to some really BAD places now.  But I don't want to accidentally shoot myself... so I need some lessons.  And a license.  Right now the only licenses I have are my driver's license and my License to Ill

4. What flavor of Kool Aid is your favorite? the kind with vodka in it.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? I used to.  But since she started using the KY it's not as painful.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think people who show off have something to hide.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? I am secretly turned on by the Grinch.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? The last of the beer from the night before.

9. Can you do push ups? I can do push-up.  One.  I'm weak.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Cock Rings.  They go with everything.

11. Favorite hobby? Barking at people.  Or chasing cars.

12. Do you have A.D.D. ? What's that?  I might.  I can't remember.  Oh look at the pretty bird.  What was the question?

13. What's your favorite shoes? Are you kidding me?  Do you people not know me yet?

14. Middle name? I have three.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? What to do?  What to do?  What to do?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Captain Morgan's.  Diet Coke.  Captain Morgan's and Diet Coke.

17. Current worry? LIFE

18. Current hate right now? LIFE

20. How did you bring in the New Year? Where did #19 go?  Did it disappear?  Is it hiding?  Why do you mess with me so?

21. Where would you like to go? Anywhere I can be happy, healthy and whole again.

22. Name three people who will complete this? I wish this question disappeared and not #19.  I really want to know what it was.

23. an unusual food you tried?  Cock.  Too salty.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? I don't like wearing shirt.  They cover up my boobs.

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? No.  The stains show up more vividly.

26. Can you whistle? Only while I work.  And only when I put my teeth in.

27. Favorite color? Magenta

28. Would you be a pirate? Um.  I am a pirate.  Everyone says so.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Gimme That Nut by Eazy E

30. Favorite Girl's Name? Why?  Really?  Who Cares?

31. Favorite boy's name? West Virginia

32. What's in your pocket right now? There are no pockets in my thong.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? The Welshly Arms Hotel

34. Best memories as a child? Being able to hide away in a book.

35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? Where would I even start?  I had to live in a bubble for a week once.  That sucked ass.

36. Do you love where you live? Not really.

38. Who is your loudest friend? BBS  Where the fuck is #37?  Why do these things keep disappearing on me?

39. How many dogs do you have? 2.  My cat still has not mastered throwing chinese stars.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Doesn't everyone?

41. What is your favorite book? I've Got a Major Case of the DT's by Little Brown Jug

42. What is your favorite candy? Jalapeno Jelly Beans

43. Favorite Sports Team? Again.. do you people not know me?  I LOVE all sports and refuse to answer this question because it may incriminate me.

44. What is your favorite food at your favorite restaurant? Chilean Sea Bass in a Lemon Butter Sauce from Mallorca.  It's about 4500 calories.  Good stuff.

45. What song do you want played at your funeral? Whiskey Lullabye